President Bush shocked the nation Wednesday when he announced his plans to run for a third consecutive term. Rumors were already building early in the term over who would run for the Republican nomination, leaving party leaders surprised to hear Bush’s announcement during his State of the Union Address.

Naturally many were quick to point out that a president serving more than two terms violates the 22nd Amendment. Later that night, in his rebuttal to the Democrats’ rebuttal, Bush explained how he was again seeking office. “Liberals and Michael Moore want to say that I stole the election in 2000. They want to say I was appointed, not elected. Well guess what? You’re right Mike. I stole the election and I was appointed. Now I’m still eligible for another term.”

Michael Moore was reportedly taking a nap in his deep fat fryer Jacuzzi, and as such was unavailable for comment…

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Yesterday during Chancellor Sullivan’s weekly campus address, given in a booming voice from the roof of the EUC, she confirmed rumors of a ghost haunting UNCG parking lots in search of a parking spot. Windows around campus shook with the news of the spectral student.

Asked one freshman, “Does she always have to scream like that, or is that just the sound of sheer authority?”

The Chancellor’s confirmation comes after weeks of reported sightings of the ghost, who has been identified as former UNCG student Martha Harrison. Harrison was killed in 1963 after a freak accident with a parking meter.

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After a series of complaints from residents on his hall, sophomore student Reginald Graham has admitted that, though several extensive searches have been conducted, he cannot locate the source of a smell emanating from his dorm room.

“I give up. I’ve looked everywhere, I Febreezed everything. I don’t know what else to do,” said Graham.

Residents began complaining about the stench coming from Graham’s room earlier this month, but Graham said he noticed an odor in February. “It was just a slight whiff of something, almost like someone was cooking meatloaf down the hall,” said Graham. “But then it started smelling more like someone was cooking rotten meatloaf, or reheating some Caf pizza. It was awful.”

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Mice are often the target of laboratory experiments, an age-old tradition of revenge for the Black Plague. While the more dangerous experiments involve needles and untested drugs, sometimes causing mice to burst like furry piñatas, others are somewhat mouse friendly. One such experiment was conducted by UNCG biology professor Matina Kalcounis-Rüppell last October. Kalcounis-Rüppell discovered that mice, in a way similar to bats, can communicate through ultrasonic chirping too high in frequency for humans to hear.

The experiment attempted to communicate with mice using a variety of sound levels, said Kalcounis-Rüppell. “First we tried a loud speaker, but that just scared the living hell out of them.” After a long series of trial and error, and the creation of several miniature hearing aids, ultrasound was discovered by accident.

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Georgia Representative Cynthia McKinney has denied accusations that she shot and killed 17 Capitol Hill police officers after being stopped at a security checkpoint. Police officers are alleging that the congresswoman, infuriated for being stopped, glared at the officer on guard, and said only “I’ll be back.”

McKinney then left the checkpoint. It was at this point that police claim McKinney crashed her car into the Capitol building and through the checkpoint. She then stepped out of her car, shotgun in tow, and began shooting police officers one by one, said DC Police Chief Erwin Smits.

“We couldn’t stop her. Officers opened fire on her and she didn’t flinch. It’s like she was some sort of furious, indignant machine,” said Smits.

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Last week the College Republicans held their annual “Morals Week,” described by some as “the only week out of the year when they admit to legislating morality.” This year the College Democrats also held a Morals Week, which they used to challenge the idea that the Democratic Party has no original ideas of their own.

On Monday the College Republicans kicked off their week with “Red State Day,” celebrating the fact that 31 states were “red” in the 2004 election, meaning they voted for President Bush.

“In 2004 Bush won by three percent of the popular vote,” said Patrick Tutwiler, President of the College Democrats. “All ‘Red State Day’ is celebrating is the fact that Republicans are rednecks that live in the middle of nowhere, whereas Democrats tend to live in larger cities where they’re exposed to people of other races and last names…”

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Jackson Library officials said Friday that they have finally identified the wooden head located in the library’s entranceway. According to their report, the head is a bust depicting Samuel Hudson, an unknown and apparently plain-looking individual.

As part of the recent renovations to Jackson Library, employees worked to create a complete catalogue of items in the library. Though the head sat in the library for several years, it wasn’t until the process of examining library artwork that the statue’s origins were questioned.

Head librarian Arthur Lawrence says he raised suspicions over the statue’s labeled date of 1975.

“The date is right there on it, but I honestly didn’t think that it could have been a product of modern society,” said Lawrence. “Look at it. It looks like a Boy Scout whittled it during summer camp. I mean, back in the seventies people didn’t have the Internet or anything, but they weren’t stupid…”

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A South Dakota judge ruled Friday that a man accused of beating his pregnant wife is to be acquitted of all charges, even in light of strong evidence of his guilt and written confession. District Court Judge Hawthorne said he based the decision on the new South Dakota law banning all forms of abortion, a law he claimed changes the way South Dakota looks at women.

“The law basically says that if you’re pregnant, that womb is government property. You don’t have the right to touch it. The defendant provided a strong argument that if the woman is married she shouldn’t be government property, she should be her husband’s property. I agree, just as long as the woman isn’t given any control over her body. That would be ridiculous and immoral. So sayeth the Lord.”

Hawthorne added, “When we get the Ten Commandments back up in the courtroom that should scare off any appeals.”

Rob Jenkins, the defendant, was arrested for spousal abuse in early March. When police arrived on the scene Jenkins confessed while trying to explain “his side of the story.”…

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Freshman student Jordan Smith announced Friday that, even after doing his best to study stats and consider all the angles, his NCAA brackets are “all jacked up.”

Smith says he first noticed a problem when, after updating his first round, UNC had beaten itself.

“That’s not right. I think they’re cheating.”

After consulting the NCAA he says he decided that it was probably impossible for a team to play itself. “Unless they’re the Bulls. Man, the Bulls are sweet. Go Jordan!”

Not an avid basketball fan, Smith was invited to bet in the dorm bracket by his roommate, Kevin Jacobs. When Smith asked Jacobs about the discrepancy, Jacobs said he immediately saw trouble…

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Absinthe. Also known as “The Green Fairy,” absinthe is a liquor which, supposedly, can cause hallucination. A certain absinthe ingredient, wormwood, brings about this sensation that, to stick to technical terms, makes you go all loopy. It’s hard to come by in the United States. Selling absinthe here is illegal.

Absinthe is very much a thing of legend. It reportedly fueled Hemingway’s For Whom the Bell Tolls and gave Van Gogh much of his artistic vision. I should note that Van Gogh also hacked off his ear while under the influence, and Hemingway, most likely for other reasons, killed himself…

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A UNCG Spanish professor was ejected from a local Mexican restaurant Friday when he refused to speak English to the wait staff. Bill Rodgers, a Greensboro native, is in his fourth year teaching Spanish at UNCG. Rodgers was thrown out of “El Cerro Grande,” Spanish for “The Mexican Restaurant,” after he repeatedly tried to order in Spanish.

“He came in and just started going off in Spanish,” said Travis Smith, the waiter who served Rodgers. “The only Spanish I know is on the menu. Honestly, I don’t even know what ‘chalupa’ really means.”

Rodgers initially refused to leave, prompting restaurant staff to contact the police…

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Embarrassed freshman Todd Cutter was charged with vandalism this Sunday after admitting to his roommate that during a trip to the dorm bathroom he was unable to locate a source of toilet paper and found himself forced to deface a flyer.

The flyer was an edition of “Installment,” a monthly newsletter from the Office of Waste Reduction and Recycling (OWRR). Because the mutilated flyer was printed by a UNCG department, Cutter faces charges of vandalism of university property.

Cutter blamed the incident on distraction. “So I was sitting there reading the Installment flyer, and then when I looked over I saw that there was no toilet paper…”

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Students passing through the atrium last week might have noticed a large rodent, even larger than that squirrel that mutated after eating the fish served in the Caf. Mickey Mouse paid a visit to UNCG as part of a Disney recruitment program. Mr. Mouse also visited a local elementary school to recruit actors for the “It’s a Small World After All” ride. Mickey explained that child labor laws were being bent to compensate for a “midget shortage”, later claiming that no pun was intended.

Mickey Mouse’s show business career had humble beginnings in 1928. “I remember when Walt cast me in ‘Steamboat Willie’.” Mickey said “Times were tough. Minnie was turning tricks to pay the rent, I was running numbers for the Mob. That was my first honest money since we came over from Russia.”

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Background on this, the College Republican president is a girl named Melissa Westmoreland, and UNCG the College Democrats have a more or less nonexistant status at UNCG.

This week the College Republicans are celebrating their “Morals Week”, a week where the group reminds UNCG students that Republicans are the only people with morals. In addition to the group’s normal activities of hating and condemning, this week they will also be lecturing. Their “Morals Week”, or “Hate Week”, as every student outside the group understands it, started on Monday and concentrates on a different issue each day.

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