Freshman student Jordan Smith announced Friday that, even after doing his best to study stats and consider all the angles, his NCAA brackets are “all jacked up.”

Smith says he first noticed a problem when, after updating his first round, UNC had beaten itself.

“That’s not right. I think they’re cheating.”

After consulting the NCAA he says he decided that it was probably impossible for a team to play itself. “Unless they’re the Bulls. Man, the Bulls are sweet. Go Jordan!”

Not an avid basketball fan, Smith was invited to bet in the dorm bracket by his roommate, Kevin Jacobs. When Smith asked Jacobs about the discrepancy, Jacobs said he immediately saw trouble.

“He did it in crayon, if that says anything. And it looks like he’s been eating a lot of Doritos.”

Smith made vital errors from the beginning, said Jacobs.

“First of all, he didn’t even fill in all the blanks. So unless nobody wins at all, he’s screwed from the start. Second, the Jackson Five isn’t a team. Half of the things he wrote down are types of food.”

Jacobs initially invited Smith into the bracket pool because another better dropped out, but now says he regrets it.

“I figured he knew how to play. He’s a guy. When he asked why they kept throwing the ball down I should have suspected something. Plus I think he wears women’s shirts. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that, but, you know. All I’m saying is that if I see a bra strap I’m kicking him out.”

“I was just hoping to be one of the guys,” explained Smith. “I don’t know anything about basketball, but how hard could it be. You put the orange thing in the bigger orange thing, and every now and then you knock somebody down. It’s like hockey, only different in every single way.”

NCAA brackets are a freshman pastime, along with light beer, video games and “alone time in the room.” Jacobs expressed worry about Smith making it through finals.

“Whenever he gets stressed his throat gets sore, so he just starts eating cough drops by the handful. He just crunches right through them. Now cough drops may not be bad for you, but if he doesn’t stop I’m going to beat the hell out of him.”

It isn’t all down for Smith. During the first round he did score a few points, possibly by accident.

“Technically, NC State did pass the first round,” said Jacobs. “They didn’t play ‘The White Ninja,’ but I guess he gets the points. If Britney Spears beats Duke I’m going to be impressed.”

After looking over Smith’s brackets, Jacobs determined that the only way he could win the pot is if A&T, Ohio State and the dad from Full House all simultaneously win the NCAA championship.

“I bet him 20 bucks he couldn’t make it,” said Jacobs. “He took it.”

Jacobs added, “It’s kind of messed up I know. Maybe if A&T wasn’t in he’d have a chance.”

	Tagged with: ACC, basketball, brackets, cheating, student. This entry was posted on Friday, March 24th, 2006 at 12:48 pm and is filed under Faux News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.