A South Dakota judge ruled Friday that a man accused of beating his pregnant wife is to be acquitted of all charges, even in light of strong evidence of his guilt and written confession. District Court Judge Hawthorne said he based the decision on the new South Dakota law banning all forms of abortion, a law he claimed changes the way South Dakota looks at women.

“The law basically says that if you’re pregnant, that womb is government property. You don’t have the right to touch it. The defendant provided a strong argument that if the woman is married she shouldn’t be government property, she should be her husband’s property. I agree, just as long as the woman isn’t given any control over her body. That would be ridiculous and immoral. So sayeth the Lord.”

Hawthorne added, “When we get the Ten Commandments back up in the courtroom that should scare off any appeals.”

Rob Jenkins, the defendant, was arrested for spousal abuse in early March. When police arrived on the scene Jenkins confessed while trying to explain “his side of the story.”

“Look man, I told her I would fix the oven after the game. Not before the game, not during the game, after the game. After the game. She just doesn’t listen.”

Many opponents of this decision say it sets a precedent of accepting domestic violence, while pro-choice and women’s rights groups in the state are already holding demonstrations against South Dakota’s anti-abortion law.

During an appearance on Fox News South Dakota Governor Mike Rounds defended his decision to sign the law. “If you don’t want to have a child then don’t have sex. And by ‘don’t have sex’ I mean ‘don’t get raped.’”

South Dakota Gov. Mike Rounds to women: “You bitches need to learn about the sanctity of life. Now excuse me while I send some pen-raised pheasant to meet our Lord and Savior.”

Rounds issued a warning to women who have been made pregnant by a rape, “If we force you to have that child, don’t expect us to help you out with welfare either. You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, assuming that the rapist didn’t also steal your shoes.”

State Senator Bill Napoli has defended the law as well, saying that pregnancy caused by “simple rape” does not warrant an abortion. When asked to clarify what he meant by “simple rape” Napoli suggested, “You know, the kind without any of those fancy Japanese rape-robots.”

In his written opinion Judge Hawthorne went on to say that based on the husband’s ownership of the wife, the woman “deserved what she got,” and that “what she got” was “two black eyes and one good lesson.”

“You have to understand that when a woman becomes pregnant, she loses her personhood,” wrote Hawthorne. “She becomes what I call a female envoy toting an unborn subject, or F.E.T.U.S.. A F.E.T.U.S. doesn’t have the rights of a person, because until the baby is born the F.E.T.U.S. isn’t a real person.”

Judge Hawthorne not only acquitted Jenkins of all charges, he ruled that his wife was to “stay in the home” until her baby was born, and “probably for the next 20 years or so as well.”

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