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2006 April

Archive for April, 2006

Phantom student searches for long lost parking spot

Friday, April 28th, 2006

Yesterday during Chancellor Sullivan’s weekly campus address, given in a booming voice from the roof of the EUC, she confirmed rumors of a ghost haunting UNCG parking lots in search of a parking spot. Windows around campus shook with the news of the spectral student.

Asked one freshman, “Does she always have to scream like that, or is that just the sound of sheer authority?”

Phantom studentThe Chancellor’s confirmation comes after weeks of reported sightings of the ghost, who has been identified as former UNCG student Martha Harrison. Harrison was killed in 1963 after a freak accident with a parking meter.

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The site died. I fixed it.

Friday, April 28th, 2006

The domain name ran out and I didn’t know until the site went down because the email address my registrar had on file is outdated. So I immediately renewed it, but not until after they had redirected the domain back to their own servers, and then they had to redirect it AGAIN back to where it should be. Here. Both of which are a 48-72 hour process.

In any event, it seems everything is back up and running. God dammit.

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Dorm resident having trouble locating smell

Monday, April 24th, 2006

After a series of complaints from residents on his hall, sophomore student Reginald Graham has admitted that, though several extensive searches have been conducted, he cannot locate the source of a smell emanating from his dorm room.

“I give up. I’ve looked everywhere, I Febreezed everything. I don’t know what else to do,” said Graham.

collapse.jpg
Residents began complaining about the stench coming from Graham’s room earlier this month, but Graham said he noticed an odor in February. “It was just a slight whiff of something, almost like someone was cooking meatloaf down the hall,” said Graham. “But then it started smelling more like someone was cooking rotten meatloaf, or reheating some Caf pizza. It was awful.”

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Mouse language discovered; rodents demand exotic cheeses

Monday, April 17th, 2006

Mice are often the target of laboratory experiments, an age-old tradition of revenge for the Black Plague. While the more dangerous experiments involve needles and untested drugs, sometimes causing mice to burst like furry piñatas, others are somewhat mouse friendly. One such experiment was conducted by UNCG biology professor Matina Kalcounis-Rüppell last October. Kalcounis-Rüppell discovered that mice, in a way similar to bats, can communicate through ultrasonic chirping too high in frequency for humans to hear.

Mice learn language
The experiment attempted to communicate with mice using a variety of sound levels, said Kalcounis-Rüppell. “First we tried a loud speaker, but that just scared the living hell out of them.” After a long series of trial and error, and the creation of several miniature hearing aids, ultrasound was discovered by accident.

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Public Urination: Not Just for the Blighted Homeless

Thursday, April 13th, 2006

It’s a gorgeous Saturday morning. Perfect for a little pre-lunch workout. I head out, determined to make the most of the day and my pair of blades.

I turn west onto the freeway. For those of you who have the misfortune to live in the greater east-side Phoenix Metro area, you are painfully aware of the freeway construction pitifully attempting to keep up with the mass influx of people into the area. I turn and utter a few curse words as I see the freeway packed and at a standstill. Not inching along, mind you, but a STAND STILL. Fuck.

Traffic Jam
After 30 minutes of playing creepy-crawl, I am still in a rather jovial mood considering the potentially maddening situation. I’m jammin’ to my tunes with the windows down and there’s a nice cool breeze blowing. Birds are chirping. It’s beautiful outside.

After 60 minutes, the two bottles of water that I drank to hydrate myself previous to my departure are starting to make their presence known…

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Time-travelling cyborg infiltrates Congress, claims racism

Tuesday, April 11th, 2006

Georgia Representative Cynthia McKinney has denied accusations that she shot and killed 17 Capitol Hill police officers after being stopped at a security checkpoint. Police officers are alleging that the congresswoman, infuriated for being stopped, glared at the officer on guard, and said only “I’ll be back.”

McKinney then left the checkpoint. It was at this point that police claim McKinney crashed her car into the Capitol building and through the checkpoint. She then stepped out of her car, shotgun in tow, and began shooting police officers one by one, said DC Police Chief Erwin Smits.

Cyborg Cynthia McKinney

“We couldn’t stop her. Officers opened fire on her and she didn’t flinch. It’s like she was some sort of furious, indignant machine,” said Smits.

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College Republicans kick off ‘Morals Week,’ state strongly: “We’re not homophobic. Faggots.”

Thursday, April 6th, 2006

Last week the College Republicans held their annual “Morals Week,” described by some as “the only week out of the year when they admit to legislating morality.” This year the College Democrats also held a Morals Week, which they used to challenge the idea that the Democratic Party has no original ideas of their own.

On Monday the College Republicans kicked off their week with “Red State Day,” celebrating the fact that 31 states were “red” in the 2004 election, meaning they voted for President Bush.

Equality Flyer
“In 2004 Bush won by three percent of the popular vote,” said Patrick Tutwiler, President of the College Democrats. “All ‘Red State Day’ is celebrating is the fact that Republicans are rednecks that live in the middle of nowhere, whereas Democrats tend to live in larger cities where they’re exposed to people of other races and last names…”

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Library officials investigate wooden head’s history, creepiness

Sunday, April 2nd, 2006

Jackson Library officials said Friday that they have finally identified the wooden head located in the library’s entranceway. According to their report, the head is a bust depicting Samuel Hudson, an unknown and apparently plain-looking individual.

As part of the recent renovations to Jackson Library, employees worked to create a complete catalogue of items in the library. Though the head sat in the library for several years, it wasn’t until the process of examining library artwork that the statue’s origins were questioned.

Wooden Head

Head librarian Arthur Lawrence says he raised suspicions over the statue’s labeled date of 1975.

“The date is right there on it, but I honestly didn’t think that it could have been a product of modern society,” said Lawrence. “Look at it. It looks like a Boy Scout whittled it during summer camp. I mean, back in the seventies people didn’t have the Internet or anything, but they weren’t stupid…”

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