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2006 April |
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Archive for April, 2006
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Dorm resident having trouble locating smell
Monday, April 24th, 2006
After a series of complaints from residents on his hall, sophomore student Reginald Graham has admitted that, though several extensive searches have been conducted, he cannot locate the source of a smell emanating from his dorm room.
“I give up. I’ve looked everywhere, I Febreezed everything. I don’t know what else to do,” said Graham.

Residents began complaining about the stench coming from Graham’s room earlier this month, but Graham said he noticed an odor in February. “It was just a slight whiff of something, almost like someone was cooking meatloaf down the hall,” said Graham. “But then it started smelling more like someone was cooking rotten meatloaf, or reheating some Caf pizza. It was awful.”
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Mouse language discovered; rodents demand exotic cheeses
Monday, April 17th, 2006
Mice are often the target of laboratory experiments, an age-old tradition of revenge for the Black Plague. While the more dangerous experiments involve needles and untested drugs, sometimes causing mice to burst like furry piñatas, others are somewhat mouse friendly. One such experiment was conducted by UNCG biology professor Matina Kalcounis-Rüppell last October. Kalcounis-Rüppell discovered that mice, in a way similar to bats, can communicate through ultrasonic chirping too high in frequency for humans to hear.

The experiment attempted to communicate with mice using a variety of sound levels, said Kalcounis-Rüppell. “First we tried a loud speaker, but that just scared the living hell out of them.” After a long series of trial and error, and the creation of several miniature hearing aids, ultrasound was discovered by accident.
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Time-travelling cyborg infiltrates Congress, claims racism
Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
Georgia Representative Cynthia McKinney has denied accusations that she shot and killed 17 Capitol Hill police officers after being stopped at a security checkpoint. Police officers are alleging that the congresswoman, infuriated for being stopped, glared at the officer on guard, and said only “I’ll be back.”
McKinney then left the checkpoint. It was at this point that police claim McKinney crashed her car into the Capitol building and through the checkpoint. She then stepped out of her car, shotgun in tow, and began shooting police officers one by one, said DC Police Chief Erwin Smits.
“We couldn’t stop her. Officers opened fire on her and she didn’t flinch. It’s like she was some sort of furious, indignant machine,” said Smits.
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College Republicans kick off ‘Morals Week,’ state strongly: “We’re not homophobic. Faggots.”
Thursday, April 6th, 2006
Last week the College Republicans held their annual “Morals Week,” described by some as “the only week out of the year when they admit to legislating morality.” This year the College Democrats also held a Morals Week, which they used to challenge the idea that the Democratic Party has no original ideas of their own.
On Monday the College Republicans kicked off their week with “Red State Day,” celebrating the fact that 31 states were “red” in the 2004 election, meaning they voted for President Bush.
 “In 2004 Bush won by three percent of the popular vote,” said Patrick Tutwiler, President of the College Democrats. “All ‘Red State Day’ is celebrating is the fact that Republicans are rednecks that live in the middle of nowhere, whereas Democrats tend to live in larger cities where they’re exposed to people of other races and last names…”
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Library officials investigate wooden head’s history, creepiness
Sunday, April 2nd, 2006
Jackson Library officials said Friday that they have finally identified the wooden head located in the library’s entranceway. According to their report, the head is a bust depicting Samuel Hudson, an unknown and apparently plain-looking individual.
As part of the recent renovations to Jackson Library, employees worked to create a complete catalogue of items in the library. Though the head sat in the library for several years, it wasn’t until the process of examining library artwork that the statue’s origins were questioned.
Head librarian Arthur Lawrence says he raised suspicions over the statue’s labeled date of 1975.
“The date is right there on it, but I honestly didn’t think that it could have been a product of modern society,” said Lawrence. “Look at it. It looks like a Boy Scout whittled it during summer camp. I mean, back in the seventies people didn’t have the Internet or anything, but they weren’t stupid…”
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