A South Dakota judge ruled Friday that a man accused of beating his pregnant wife is to be acquitted of all charges, even in light of strong evidence of his guilt and written confession. District Court Judge Hawthorne said he based the decision on the new South Dakota law banning all forms of abortion, a law he claimed changes the way South Dakota looks at women.

“The law basically says that if you’re pregnant, that womb is government property. You don’t have the right to touch it. The defendant provided a strong argument that if the woman is married she shouldn’t be government property, she should be her husband’s property. I agree, just as long as the woman isn’t given any control over her body. That would be ridiculous and immoral. So sayeth the Lord.”

Hawthorne added, “When we get the Ten Commandments back up in the courtroom that should scare off any appeals.”

Rob Jenkins, the defendant, was arrested for spousal abuse in early March. When police arrived on the scene Jenkins confessed while trying to explain “his side of the story.”…

Freshman student Jordan Smith announced Friday that, even after doing his best to study stats and consider all the angles, his NCAA brackets are “all jacked up.”

Smith says he first noticed a problem when, after updating his first round, UNC had beaten itself.

“That’s not right. I think they’re cheating.”

After consulting the NCAA he says he decided that it was probably impossible for a team to play itself. “Unless they’re the Bulls. Man, the Bulls are sweet. Go Jordan!”

Not an avid basketball fan, Smith was invited to bet in the dorm bracket by his roommate, Kevin Jacobs. When Smith asked Jacobs about the discrepancy, Jacobs said he immediately saw trouble…

So I’m reading online the other day and come across the heading, “Florida Father Punches Teacher.” I almost don’t even click, mainly because I’m not in the mood for another My-Child-Can-Do-No-Wrong vigilante parent on some crusade to save their Guilty-As-Sin bastard spawn of Satan. But something spurns me on and I’m drawn in… *click*

The story reads of a Florida man who walked into a classroom full of students and decks the teacher. This was the father’s (undeniably justified) reaction to accusations of his 14-yr-old daughter that the teacher had touched her inappropriately. What was this dad thinking? Shame on him! I would have used a shotgun.

It seems that the father was at the school to meet with officials about the incident and became angered when…

Absinthe. Also known as “The Green Fairy,” absinthe is a liquor which, supposedly, can cause hallucination. A certain absinthe ingredient, wormwood, brings about this sensation that, to stick to technical terms, makes you go all loopy. It’s hard to come by in the United States. Selling absinthe here is illegal.

Absinthe is very much a thing of legend. It reportedly fueled Hemingway’s For Whom the Bell Tolls and gave Van Gogh much of his artistic vision. I should note that Van Gogh also hacked off his ear while under the influence, and Hemingway, most likely for other reasons, killed himself…

I have a roomate who is more than a little disturbed by the fine modern film Brokeback Mountain and its homosexual undertones (hard to spot, I know). And, since his door was smashed in by a friend a couple weeks back during a party, it was decided to give the young man a lesson in cultural acceptance.

So, we start with a blank door, shattered but still functional. First thing we need to do is take it off of its hinges so that we can get it outside where the spray adhesive is safe to use.

Once we get the door outside, I apply the first of six 11×17″ Brokeback Mountain movie posters and begin on the second…

A UNCG Spanish professor was ejected from a local Mexican restaurant Friday when he refused to speak English to the wait staff. Bill Rodgers, a Greensboro native, is in his fourth year teaching Spanish at UNCG. Rodgers was thrown out of “El Cerro Grande,” Spanish for “The Mexican Restaurant,” after he repeatedly tried to order in Spanish.

“He came in and just started going off in Spanish,” said Travis Smith, the waiter who served Rodgers. “The only Spanish I know is on the menu. Honestly, I don’t even know what ‘chalupa’ really means.”

Rodgers initially refused to leave, prompting restaurant staff to contact the police…

Embarrassed freshman Todd Cutter was charged with vandalism this Sunday after admitting to his roommate that during a trip to the dorm bathroom he was unable to locate a source of toilet paper and found himself forced to deface a flyer.

The flyer was an edition of “Installment,” a monthly newsletter from the Office of Waste Reduction and Recycling (OWRR). Because the mutilated flyer was printed by a UNCG department, Cutter faces charges of vandalism of university property.

Cutter blamed the incident on distraction. “So I was sitting there reading the Installment flyer, and then when I looked over I saw that there was no toilet paper…”

Since I’m now treating this space as a sort of weird news/articles/blog space, I guess I should start posting bloggish things here on a halfway consistent basis. So here goes:

Last night was a pretty damn good night, all things considered. I hung out with friends, lost a game of pool (horribly, I might add) and had a minor run-in with the po-po, just to ensure that for the rest of my life I remember what happened for that whole evening…

So as I’m leaving Pantanas after having had a few drinks at my buddy Drew’s birthday, I get behind the wheel of my roomate’s volvo…