One of the greatest debates in the history of mankind was that between the virtues of a rock versus that of a tunnel. This debate was originally initiated between Socrates and his students. Unfortunately it was never discussed to completion, as everyone had their own opinion and could rarely, if ever agree on anything. This matured beyond the marketplace in Athens, and became the point of contention in almost every debate, discourse, battle, and war in the ancient world. For instance, the celebrated Battle of Thermopylae was not a decisive conflict in the Persian Wars, but instead a battle over whether or not the Persian King, Xerxes I, had authority to ban the quartzite phalanx of Leonidas from entering his cut and cover soft ground tunnels in Persia.
It is unknown how far this controversy may have grown in the Middle Ages, although for several decades anthropology and classic literature experts have contended that Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, underneath the rhetoric and symbolism, was actually the story of a star crossed hunk of granite and its lover, an Italian bore hole of the noble class.
In modern America it would appear that this dispute has reached its climax with the use of wood. We use wood to support our mine shaft tunnels, and wood is used to build our homes with almost no tunnels or large boulders involved with the process.
However, deep underneath the contrivances of society the same question looms today, reaching what we agree was its finale several days ago, between none other than myself and Kalen. In association with Kaihen.com and Ma’s famous chitlin pies, “That ain’t no chitlin pie unless it got ma’s face on it!”, we are proud to present…
The following discussion took place between 10:21 and 10:42 P.M and relates the strengths and weaknesses between the Rock and the Tunnel. All names have been changed to protect the innocent and any references to any rocks or tunnels past or present are merely coincidental in nature. We present this nearly verbatim, with any editing done for clarity and because Kalen has the English skills of a drugged out crawfish.
Wilshire:: We have a rock
Wilshire:: You don’t
Wilshire:: You have a tunnel
Wilshire:: Whoopity doo
Kalen:: Yeah, but a shitload more people walk through our tunnel than walk by your rock.
Kalen:: Plus it’s longer
Wilshire:: Our rock was created using high sub surface temperatures and heat beyond your comprehension, in fact it is a testament to the rock cycle itself
Kalen:: Ahahaha I win
Kalen:: Fuck
Wilshire:: Your tunnel was made by an engineer named Bubba
Wilshire:: Who likes to show his ass crack to women while working on various engineering projects
Wilshire:: How many people are on your campus?
Kalen:: Uhhh
Kalen:: Don’t know?
Wilshire:: We have 15000 students, many of which walk by the rock on their way to their dorms, class, or the cafeteria
Kalen:: You haven’t seen the tunnel at class change
Kalen:: It’s probably full of 150 people
Kalen:: Passing through for 20 minutes
Wilshire:: Also our rock could easily crush no less than 10 people using its massive weight, your tunnel could only cause damage during an earthquake, which is a moot point in the coastal flats of NC
Kalen:: Hey, our tunnel floods
Wilshire:: Aww isn’t that nice, you have a campus cess pool!
Kalen:: Dude
Kalen:: You can go underwater swimming
Wilshire:: Maybe you could add some moldy broccoli and see if any life spawns
Wilshire:: Also our rock is conducive to having Germans standing atop it and shouting proclamations while your tunnel is conducive to having people raped at night
Kalen:: Personally, I think that’s more fun to watch
Wilshire:: Of course Germans are more fun to watch, they shout funny things, also their checkered Nazi past makes any exaggerated facial expressions fun to laugh at
Kalen:: A couple of them at least should join up
Kalen:: Haha true
Kalen:: And you can throw rocks at them
Wilshire:: You could even throw the same rock they are standing on if you had a crane, or some sort of super power that allowed you to harness the strength of a crane
Kalen:: Or my earth ring
Wilshire:: Earth Ring? Is that some homosexual lord of the rings sub culture bullshit?
Kalen:: No damn you
Kalen:: Captain Planet!
Wilshire:: Captain Planet, he’s our hero, and he is going to take polluters and your tunnel down to zero
Wilshire:: So yeah that place totally blows
Wilshire:: It’s like some Soviet era Eastern European block housing
Wilshire:: Do you really want to be associated with Eastern Europe?
Wilshire:: Our rock symbolizes sedimentary rock aggregates coming together, like a global community, and kicking rock ass
Kalen:: Our tunnel symbolizes graffiti
Wilshire:: Yep
Wilshire:: Sure does
Kalen:: does the rock have a name?
Wilshire:: I don’t know
Wilshire:: I would imagine that it is probably Rocko McRockington though
Wilshire:: Since that is the most rock esque name one could think of
This comment marked the close of the debate, and if I must say so, it is clear that the Rock came out strong from the beginning, and managed to give the tunnel a run for his money through to the end. It is thus my pleasure to close this millennia old symposium as concluded, and the reigning in of Rock as the champion of geologic based supports and foundations.
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