Students passing through the atrium last week might have noticed a large rodent, even larger than that squirrel that mutated after eating the fish served in the Caf. Mickey Mouse paid a visit to UNCG as part of a Disney recruitment program. Mr. Mouse also visited a local elementary school to recruit actors for the “It’s a Small World After All” ride. Mickey explained that child labor laws were being bent to compensate for a “midget shortage”, later claiming that no pun was intended.

Mickey Mouse’s show business career had humble beginnings in 1928. “I remember when Walt cast me in ‘Steamboat Willie’.” Mickey said “Times were tough. Minnie was turning tricks to pay the rent, I was running numbers for the Mob. That was my first honest money since we came over from Russia.”

Unfortunately, Mickey’s criminal tendencies didn’t end there. As is required with any Hollywood contract, Mickey developed a cocaine addiction. “I was a snorting machine. I would do six, seven, sometimes twelve grams a day. I would snort anything I got my hands on. One time I snorted an entire box of Kleenexes. Still don’t know why. Just to do it I guess.”

Mickey’s drug addiction began to create problems with his coworkers. “One time me and Pluto got really coked up in my dressing room. The next thing I know, we’re waking up completely nude and his ass is bleeding.” Pluto refused to work with Mickey for the next six years.

Mickey attempted directing his own movie with “Fantasia”. Rather than writing a script, Mickey simply gave the crew enough acid to drown a fish. He and the crew then spent the next 3 days making what film scholars call “the biggest stoner picture of all time.” Goofy was scheduled to appear in the film, but he was chased off set by flying snakes, or so he claimed. Goofy was later found attempting to direct traffic on I-40 using his socks and a bullhorn.

The “Mouseketeers” TV show helped propelled Mickey’s career back into mainstream. However, Mickey was officially removed from the TV show after making the comment that he had slept with Britney Spears “before she was famous”.

After his removal from “Mouseketeers”, Mickey began a downward spiral of drugs and alcohol. He had suspicions that Minnie was cheating on him. One night he came home to find Walt Disney in his living room, so Mickey stabbed Walt six times in the chest. When Minnie was finally able to stop him, she explained that Walt was just dropping in to say “hi”.

Following the attempted murder of Walt Disney, Mickey made a short endeavor in a music career. Transitioning from cartoons to rap is a difficult move, but Mickey felt if he could only come up with the right persona then the rest would come easily. Some names he tried included Big Daddy M, MC Mick E., and the Black Eared Killa. Soon after the quick failure of his only single, “Rock the Mouse”, Mickey crawled back to Disney and begged for his job back.

During his campus visit, Mickey said that he had a certain dislike for Greensboro. His actual phrasing was “This town smells like fish sticks and poor people. I’d rather spend the night in Baghdad than stay here for another minute.” He then called Greensboro “Bumtown, USA”, and warned several students that he “got totally screwed on a dime bag off Tate Street”.

Mickey left UNCG with a message to a specific group of students, “I’d like to thank the girls of Kappa Delta, for teaching an old mouse some new tricks.”

	Tagged with: alcohol, disney, drugs, mickey mouse. This entry was posted on Friday, September 23rd, 2005 at 8:26 pm and is filed under Faux News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.