So young buck, you have made the fatal mistake of putting all of your eggs into one basket and then lighting it on fire with a giant flamethrower that also shoots fire ants on fire, by purchasing an Apple Macintosh. Yes, you invariably wasted 3000$ on a PowerMac, and yes you might be classified as criminally insane. But cheer up, because when using one button mice or trying to get any games to work (any will do, please why can’t I just play half life? Why God, why?), there are many other things you can do with a Mac, and with this guide I’ll set you on the path to Mac freestylin’.

Is it just drivers in North Carolina that are stupid or people in general? Nevermind. I have two tips for those of you who endanger society by starting a car.
1. Car horns, they’re there for a reason. If somebody cuts you off, doesn’t realize that a light turned green, or has a Republican bumper sticker, HONK! Sometimes I go around honking at people for no reason, just to keep them on their toes.
2. Turn signals are almost completely useless. Here’s why.
“This guy is slowing down, I guess I should slow down too.”
“This guy is slowing down and turning right, I guess I should slow down too.”
If you want me to signal when I turn then you might as well stop me and ask me where I’m going and what I had for lunch, because that information is about as useful.

Having just recently moved into a dorm, it has come to my attention that a startling amount of people don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom. Umm…eeww? Can you at least rinse the urine off your fingers? My god, no wonder dorms are a cesspool of disease. And for anyone who doesn’t think that a trip to the toilet warrants a quick scrub, here’s a quick visual of what I do in the bathroom.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m jumpy. I don’t mean jumpy like “good reflexes” jumpy, I mean jumpy like I “once accidentally hit my grandmother” jumpy. And anyone in the world will dodge a big bug that flies in your face. I was taking a piss last week, when this moth that was about the size of an orange flew in my face. Now, not wanting to bring my hands anywhere near my face, I did a swift and graceful bob and weave that would almost put Muhammad Ali to shame. Actually I jerked around like I was being electrocuted and did everything short of screaming like a little girl. Maybe I screamed a little. More than a little. I was a urine flailing banshee.

Why is it that now that we’re in college, a time in our lives where we are the poorest we’ll ever be, people solicit us the most? I can’t get to my bathroom without somebody trying to stick some piece of paper in my hand, which is convenient considering I’m going to the bathroom. I’ll need it. To wipe with. My ass that is. I crap four times a day.

And why is it that it’s illegal to throw paper on the ground, but perfectly legal to put flyers on a car windshield? I’m going to start putting soda cans and plastic wrappers under people’s windshield wipers. I bet there’s some law against that, laws are a pain in the ass. Whenever someone hands you a flyer, do what I do. Hold out your hand to take it, and the second it leaves their hand just drop it. Then you either walk away, leaving them owned, or you look at them like they dropped it and wait for them to hand you another. Repeat. Another solution to the flyer problem, grab the whole stack of flyers from them and fling them in the air, then yell “WEEEEEEEEE!!”. Then later steal their hat or something.

One of the greatest debates in the history of mankind was that between the virtues of a rock versus that of a tunnel. This debate was originally initiated between Socrates and his students. Unfortunately it was never discussed to completion, as everyone had their own opinion and could rarely, if ever agree on anything. This matured beyond the marketplace in Athens, and became the point of contention in almost every debate, discourse, battle, and war in the ancient world. For instance, the celebrated Battle of Thermopylae was not a decisive conflict in the Persian Wars, but instead a battle over whether or not the Persian King, Xerxes I, had authority to ban the quartzite phalanx of Leonidas from entering his cut and cover soft ground tunnels in Persia.